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Name: Deirdre O' Neill'

E-Mail: deeoneill@btconnect.com

 My Story:

My beloved only brother, John, died through suicide on August 5, 2006. His tragic death created a huge hole in our family which will never go away.

John died just two days before his 24th birthday. He had a four-year-old daughter, Caitlin, who he doted on and who he loved taking for walks, often carrying her on his shoulders. It seemed he had his whole life ahead of him.

This year I'm walking the marathon — all 26 miles of it — in memory of John and I'm raising money for the PIPS Project (Public Initiative for the Prevention of Suicide and Self Harm). As part of my training I've walked some 20-mile routes and it has given me a real buzz. I'm really looking forward to reaching the finish line ... and getting my medal!

John was very proud of his young family — his partner, Ciara, and their daughter. He was a gentle giant, 6ft 2in tall, and although he enjoyed a laugh he wasn't an extrovert.

My sister, Ciara, and I were aged seven and nine when John came along and it was lovely to have a baby brother. Then there was another gap until our youngest sister, Karon, was born, seven years after John. We grew up in Ardoyne and John went to St Gabriel's College.

To be honest, we don't know what happened with John — there was nothing specific we could pinpoint. He'd taken some time off his work at a call centre due to stress, and he'd spoken about feeling a bit down. He had seen his doctor and was trying to keep himself motivated.

On August 5, he left my mum's house and said he'd return within an hour with something he wanted to get from his own house. But he was taking so long that my mum and sister decided to see where he was. When they drove into his street, an ambulance was there. His partner had arrived and found him — he had hung himself.

We look at his picture so often and think 'What was going on there?' John left notes but there was nothing in them that pointed to a specific problem. Sometimes I think he had a lifestyle expectation that he felt he wasn't meeting.

We have lots of memories of growing up, and it's good to focus on John's life, not his death. But in any sudden death, it's very difficult to take your mind off how they died and why. And it's 100 times more difficult for our parents. But they have now taken over the fundraising for my marathon walk and anyone who comes into the house is asked to contribute to PIPS!

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After John died there were people coming to and from the house constantly for a while ... and then there was no-one. That is, except for Jo Murphy from PIPS who knocked our door a week after John died. We'd heard of PIPS through Philip McTaggart who helped set it up, and we went to a family support group which helped.

I work in administration now with PIPS — if anyone had told me two years ago that I would lose my brother to suicide and be working with PIPS I would never have believed it.

John will be exactly 21 months gone on May 5, the day of the marathon. Every event is so different now, because John's not here. Last Christmas we went out for dinner to a restaurant, to avoid the 'empty seat' at home.

His daughter is six years old now and very like him. She was daddy's little princess. Everyone remarked after he died that they had vivid memories of John walking down the street with Caitlin on his shoulders. It will be hard when she's older and tries to understand.

What happened changed our lives. But by taking part in the marathon I know that John's memory will live on and that I can try and help make even the smallest difference."

Article by Judith Cole, Belfast Telegraph 5th May 2008'

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